|We went to an insane bar, played football with the Colts. Now we're going to a steakhouse. What are you doing?|
|— Chris Traeger|
Ann Perkins and Chris Traeger are both busy prepping their respective bachelorette and bachelor parties for the bride and groom-to-be. Ann's party is going to be a typical bachelorette party: dancing, Jell-O shots and anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped. The guys, on the other hand, have a more low-key night in store; Ben Wyatt's idea of a good time is beer and board games.
The guys indulge Ben in a game of Settlers of Catan. As the game comes to a close, Tom Haverford finally reaches his breaking point, and suggests that the guys pay a visit to Eagleton's hot new bar, Essence, which specializes in "molecular mixology." The guys get to talking and quickly realize than none of them had bachelor parties before their weddings. Chris declares that tonight, everyone gets their own bachelor party experience.
Meanwhile, at the bachelorette party, all of Ann's diligent planning seems to be going to waste. Leslie Knope discovers that Councilman Jamm is moving forward with their plans to turn the infamous Lot 48 into a Paunch Burger branch. Leslie contrives a plan to get revenge, littering the pit with what she hopes will pass as sacred Wamapoke artifacts, and thus halt all construction on the lot. But the second she does, she realizes she's made a horrible mistake. She confesses her mess to the girls and recruits them to help her fix it.
For the next stop of the bachelor party adventure, the guys pay a visit to Jerry Gergich's favorite ice cream parlor, the location where he first met Gayle. After raising a cone to Jerry, they talk about Andy Dwyer's dream plans, which include a Colts game. Chris calls in a few favors and arranges for Colts owner Jim Irsay and Andy's favorite players Reggie Wayne and Andrew Luck to meet them at Lucas Oil Stadium. The guys wrap up their adventure with a visit to one of Ron's favorite joints, St. Elmo's Steak House. While there, Jerry and Tom accidentally sit at a table reserved for Newt Gingrich due to Jerry miss hearing Gingrich and Gergich.
The bachelorette party spends all night digging in what turns out to be a miserable night. To add insult to injury, their efforts were for nothing – her artifacts are found at the site the next day. They later meet with Ken Hotate of the Wamapoke Tribe, and Leslie privately confesses to him what she did. It's clear that Leslie's truly sorry, but her damage may be irreparable.
The bachelor party turns out to be great success, but the guys only wish that there was some way they could show Chris just how much they appreciated his efforts. They buy Chris a "Best Best Man" trophy and reassure him that someday he'll meet the perfect girl for him, who's a super fit health goddess. But Chris surprises the guys, saying that someone who shares all of his interests may not be what he's looking for anymore. All he really needs is someone who values happiness and friendship. This inspires Ben to set up Chris with reporter Shauna Malwae-Tweep, who's excited to write a story on Chris' bachelor party adventure.
While meeting with Councilman Jamm and Leslie, Hotate confirms that the artifacts were not legitimate. But before he lets Leslie confess, he pulls a surprising move, telling Jamm that he didn't like the way he went back on his word with Leslie, as it reminds him of the way the settlers treated his ancestors. He threatens Pawnee Restaurant Association spokeswoman Kathryn Pinewood with removing Paunch Burger establishments from the Wamapoke Casino if Jamm does not back down. This scares Jamm straight, and he agrees to put aside construction for now.