|I’ve seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order and it’s paying off big time.|
|— Leslie Knope|
Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt reveal their romantic relationship to Chris Traeger, who reluctantly launches a full investigation and prepares an ethics trial for the two, with Leslie's trial first. Chris regrets having to prosecute Leslie and Ben, and fights his depression and sadness by taking an obscenely large amount of herbal medicine and supplements.
Leslie admits to the relationship to the ethics committee at the Pawnee Courthouse but insists that she never did anything unethical. Chris not only intends to prove that Leslie received special treatment from Ben because of their relationship, but that it also started earlier than she stated and that she may even be guilty of bribery. He has several witnesses lined up which offends Leslie, but Chris says that it is his job as City Manager to fully investigate to prevent corruption. Leslie successfully proves over the course of the trial that she never received special treatment from Ben and that their relationship did not begin earlier than she stated. However, Chris' last witness is George Williams, the maintenance worker that witnessed Leslie and Ben kissing in the episode "Li'l Sebastian". Since they gave him a gift certificate in exchange for his silence, Leslie and Ben technically bribed him.
Realizing her job is at stake, Leslie and the Parks Department scramble to find a loophole in the law, but Ron Swanson tells Leslie to just admit guilt. Everyone in the Parks Department assures Leslie that they will still respect her. Leslie admits she bribed the maintenance worker to the committee, but her punishment is merely a two week suspension with pay; Chris reveals that Ben called a private meeting, took full responsibility for the bribe, and resigned as Assistant City Manager. After the trial, Chris apologizes to Leslie and explains that he was just doing his job, and tells her that Ben said something during the meeting that she would want to hear. The court stenographer, Ethel Beavers, reads the transcript, revealing that Ben has no regrets about losing his job because he loves Leslie. Leslie says the same thing on record and has Ethel read it to Ben later that night.
Ron: [on computer] So it learns information about me?
Leslie: Ann, I need you to text me every thirty seconds that everything is going to be okay.
Leslie: [Phone rings] Thanks Ann!
Ron: Don’t sass me.
Chris: I am, of course, shocked. And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes.
Leslie: Are we hugging or fighting? Let me know.
Ben: I wanted to sneak in before you got here…an absurd pipe dream I now realize is impossible.
Leslie: For me, a slap on the wrist is like a kick in the nuts.
Chris: My mouth feels like a spaceship.
Chris: Did you ever receive special treatment as a result of your relationship with Ben Wyatt?
Leslie: I received adorable nicknames and amazing back rubs. Oh, you meant professionally.
Leslie: Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee's greatest lawyer at the turn of the century. His nickname was "Old Stone Face", because of his steely demeanor. And because he got in an accident at the Rock Quarry, and dynamite blew up his face.
Andy: Put the files in the drawer, let’s go.
Ethel Beavers: The official record has now been annoyingly re-opened, so that Leslie Knope can make a statement.
Leslie: In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, which was a class 'A' felony. Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it, and she nobly accepted her punishment: To be set adrift on Lake Michigan, like a human popsicle.
Leslie: When you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed, you go down in history as a frozen whore.
Ann: He said to look at the monster, I’m hoping you know what that means.
Leslie: Just to be safe, find out who it is and silence him.
Ron: With pleasure.
Leslie: Wait, let me be clear. Don’t silence him, just make sure he can’t talk.
Leslie: That’s “Y” “A,” and 18 “Y’s” and 44 exclamation points.
Leslie: Ann! Aaaahhh! Ben and I hooked up last night! And I learned how to use iMovie! Call me later. Bye!
Tom: Did Tom Ford turn around the house at Gucci?
April: It was Ethel Beavers! Beavers did it! I will hold MYSELF in contempt of the court!
Andy: Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it. I took it home and I spaced, I forgot. I'm gonna bring it back. It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.
Leslie: The only thing that was ravaged were these federal grant proposals that Donna had dropped off earlier.
Leslie: I’ve seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order and it’s paying off big time.
Leslie: And by the way, we got the gramps – grants – ugh, it was gonna be such an awesome moment.
Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?
Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as a joke to shut me up.
Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that?
Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
Ron: She's here.
Leslie: Who's here?
Ron: My ex-wife Tammy Two. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.
Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?
Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will defintively prove...
Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire you and have you prosecuted.
Tammy Two: Nothing! They will defintively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!
Ron: In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions except for missionary. And two years later, they banned missionary.
Tom: 1882. Should a Presbyterian speak out of turn, he may be caned across the shin bone.
April: Any woman caught laughing is a witch. That’s true.
Donna:Oh my God! Black people are still not legally allowed to use the public sidewalks.
Tom: Bribing someone to hide a sexcapade? I’m proud to call you a friend.
Leslie: This mural is called Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee. All of the terrible things that have happened in this town's history are on one side. And on the other side are all the good things that have happened. I'm on the bad side.
Ron: No you're not.
Leslie: Yes, I am, Ron. I'm guilty. I did something bad. I'm a bad person.
Ron: It's not that simple. You know what makes a good person good? When a good person does something bad, they own up to it. They try to learn something from it and they move on.
Chris: I was just doing my job. I hope that you can understand that.
Leslie: I do. Honestly, I do.
Chris: ‘Cause your actions have wounded me to my core. Which is not easy, since the bulk of my workouts are focused on core strengthening.
Chris: You’re the only person I’ve met who’s worthy of being Ben’s girlfriend.
Chris: So, you are prepared to resign, effective immediately? And take full responsibility for all the events that transpired at Li'l Sebastian's Memorial?
Ben: That is correct.
Chris: Okay, fine. This makes me sadder than I previously thought humanly possible but I accept your resignation. Can I ask you one more question? Was all of this, all the sneaking around and scandal, losing your job, was...was it worth it?
Ben: Yes. It was. Because I love Leslie. I want to be with her and I don't want to hide the way I feel about her anymore. So yeah, it was worth it, because I'm in love with Leslie Knope.
Ethel: Crying noise. Crying noise. Nose blow.
Leslie: Jerry’s better, I’m going to call you Jerry.