|I won't be playing. I'm simply here to remind Councilman Jamm that this ridiculous play palace cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars a year.|
|— Ron Swanson|
After Ron Swanson proposes the city cut its funding to the Pawnee Palms Public Putt-Putt, Leslie Knope sets her sights at making sure the city council do not vote yes to the proposal. With the council locked at 2–2, Councilman Jamm is the swing vote. Leslie needs to sway Jamm into voting no, but he strongly dislikes both Ron and Leslie so it will take a big effort to get him on board. She invites him to Pawnee Palms for a night of mini golf, but Ron foresees this move and meets them there. He continuously reminds Jamm of how much money the government spends on the establishment every year, and is against Leslie's pandering to Jamm's juvenile side, like supplying him with snow cones and balloons, and reminding him of how much he truly enjoys spending time at Pawnee Palms. Despite their efforts, Jamm results to making Ron and Leslie play off for his vote by completing nine holes – who ever wins gets Jamm's vote. Ron goes on to beat Leslie, but the following day, Jamm admits to Leslie that he could easily be persuaded to switch sides depending on what Leslie is willing to give up or do. Leslie does not give in to this offer and makes Jamm stick to his word by supporting Ron. While disappointed at losing Pawnee Palms, she is more disgusted at how sleazy Jamm is willing to be. She also admits to Ron that while she can't stand Ron's ridged code of honor, it is what makes him so unique and such a good and loyal friend.
Meanwhile, Andy Dwyer is shocked to find that his band Mouse Rat is playing at a bar without him, and performing songs he wrote. He confronts Burly and Chang about the band playing without him. They explain that they have called him numerous times over a number of weeks to try and get him to come to rehearsals, but when he never showed or responded, they still really wanted to play so they continued on without him. In response to this betrayal, Andy comes to the conclusion that he is going to retire from music and performes one final solo song that night to farewell his career. The next day, he arrives to work in a suit to symbolize his professional phase has begun. It is clear to everyone, however, that Andy is clearly not comfortable with his premature retirement, so a meeting is arranged with Burly to smooth things over. Burly admits to Andy that they never wanted to kick him out, so if Andy is willing to start practising again, they would welcome him back with open arms. Some time later, he is back as the lead vocalist, but having realized Burly has more talent then a back-up singer, Andy lets him join him as a second lead vocalist.
In a B plot, Tom Haverford has grown tired of his uncontrollable girlfriend Mona-Lisa Saperstein. He enlists Ann Perkins to break up with Mona-Lisa for him. This backfires on Ann, as Mona-Lisa takes on Ann as her best friend following the break up. This forces Ann to use Tom as a guise for ending the friendship, by kissing him in front of her. This only makes things worse as Mona-Lisa takes this as them asking her for a threesome. Ann immediately leaves Tom with her, and by the next morning, the two are still together despite Tom trying to break up with her a second time.
Leslie: Hey! What the hell is this?
Ron: I’m guessing it’s my latest budget cut proposal based on your rage sweat.
Leslie: First of all, I am rage-glowing.
Leslie: Ron is very anti-government, and he has that philosophy, but there are just certain things you don't cut. Schools, police, mini-golf, merry-go-rounds, parades, gazebo repair. Roads and bridges, whatever. Pretty gardens. Hummingbird feeders.
Ron: I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful government projects, future projects, and past projects. The Hoover Dam is a travesty.
Leslie: That putt-putt is going to be around forever and when I am done with it, it will attract more visitors than the Hoover Dam. And it'll produce double the amount of electricity.
Leslie: I'll figure it out! It already has windmills. Who cares?
Leslie: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Councilman Jamm: More like, who am I doing tonight? [laughing] No one. I'm free. What's up?
Andy: That is my band. I didn't recognize us without me because I'm the only one that matters.
Mona-Lisa Saperstein: Hey baby, can I borrow your car for a month?
Tom: I already lent you my car. Do you not know where my car is?
Mona-Lisa Saperstein: Ugh! I'm so sick of the third degree! It's like dating a cop.
Tom: Dating Mona-Lisa is awesome. Except that I live in constant fear for my life. So I guess it's time to do the mature thing and have someone dump her for me.
Leslie: I need to have Jamm fall in love with this place, so I'm rolling out the red carpet. I need you to stay upbeat and keep things light.
Chris: Absolutely! I can be a sort of...conversational lubricant.
Leslie: Yeah, there's probably a less gross way to say it, but sure.
Leslie: Councilman! Nice putter.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, thank you very much. Some fat Hawaiian guy left it in my waiting room. When he came back, I was all like, 'Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it. I don't know.' [laughs] Classic!
Leslie: [awkwardly laughs] What a great and funny story.
Burly: First of all, your nachos are terrible. No one's had the guts to tell you. Why don't you melt the cheese?!
Andy: Well, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of cereal last week, you idiot! If you'd bother to call me, you would have known that!
Chris: I have two important pieces of caddy information: Councilman Jamm leads by eight strokes and you are both about to set a course record...for friendship!
Ann: I just want to talk to woman-to-woman because I know Tom pretty well.
Mona-Lisa Saperstein: Do you know his ATM pin? Because I cannot crack that little bitch's code.
Mona-Lisa Saperstein: How did I not know that Diddy was on Instagram, you jagweeds?
April: To be perfectly honest, Mouserat's music is not my thing. I really only listen to like German death reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously.
Andy: I need a piece of paper, a pen, I need four more beers, I need a computer fan, I need a lighting bolt of inspiration. It's song writing time!
Ben: What do you need a computer fan for?
Andy: Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot. And the fan cools it down.
Ann: When you're not around, Tom drinks tap water.
Chris: Guys, I'm going to let Julie go home now. It's getting late and Jeremy's eaten all the syrup.
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Snowcone's are half the fun.
Leslie: Yeah, Julie, could you stay please?
Julie: I have calculus homework.
Leslie: Oh well, math is worthless in real life. I mean, there's an app for calculating tips. That's all you need. [leans in and whispers] Math is very important, especially for young women. Stay in school.
Ron: Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house?
Mona-Lisa Saperstein: I've been single for an hour now and it's the tits!
Andy: Well, hello fellow employees. Coworkers. I bid you adieu.
Donna: Whoa! Fancy Andy.
Andy: Oh, me? No, this is just how I dress now. Funny, goofball music Andy [blows raspberry] is gone. You're left with the professional remains. I'm an adult now, I'm going to focus on business. Which is good, it'll give me more time to play video games.
April: Call Burly and ask him if they'll let you back in.
Andy: Why, so they can steal my swan song? Ha! Joke's on them, I already forgot it.
Leslie: Your office shall serve as his monkey tomb!
Ron: Thank you for my new silverbacked friend. I like him very much. I will call him '$9000 Dollars of Taxpayer Money' the gorilla.
Leslie: That is a terrible--his name is Mr. Fuzzy Face!
Leslie: I am sorry that I said that the gorilla's blood was on your hands, 'twas Leslie that killed the beast.
Leslie: Your rigid code of honor, which drives me nuts, makes you a wonderful human being and I am proud to call you my friend and don't ever change.
Ron: Want a drink?
Leslie: Very much.
Andy: Hey, I'll even try melting the cheese on the nachos.
Andy: It won't work. [laughing] You're going to look like such an idiot.
Leslie: I have been in the city council for almost a year and I'm proud of what I've done. But every once in a while, I end up in a situation that makes my stomach queasy.
Ron: You're in politics, what did you expect?
Leslie: Frankly, I'd hope it would be like dealing with you. People with strong opinions, hashing it out respectfully. And then you either realize that I'm right or you get hungry and go home and then I win.
Ron: There are a lot of Jeremy Jamms along the path you're walking. I suppose you just need to figure out whether it's a path you truly want to walk.
Leslie: Yeah. I'm taking that gorilla with me and putting it back in the putt-putt when it reopens.
Ron: Sorry, no. That gorilla was a gift from a very determined coworker whom I respect. And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift giving. Leslie: God, you're the worst.
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mouserat's Reunion Show, featuring me, Andy Dwyer and, for the first time, Andrew "Burly" Burlinson on lead vocals. That's right! Two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that.
Ben: The Beatles!