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|He's dark and mysterious, and he can sing. And he plays the organ.|
|— Leslie Knope|
Chris Traeger enacts a government-wide health initiative in Pawnee, starting by banning red meat from the city hall commissary, much to the displeasure of Ron Swanson. He challenges Chris to a burger cook-off to prove red meat is superior to Chris' preferred lean meat, with red meat staying on the menu if Ron wins. Meanwhile, Leslie Knope invites Ben Wyatt out to dinner, but he turns her down, leaving Leslie confused because she was sure Ben was attracted to her. Ann Perkins, who is now dating multiple men after taking Donna Meagle's advice to be more adventurous, tells Leslie to join an online dating website called HoosierMate.com and sets up a profile for her.
Leslie finds a match that is 98 percent compatible with her – a "soulmate" rating – but is horrified to discover that it is Tom Haverford. Additionally, the crude sewage department employee Joe Fantringham makes a romantic advance toward Leslie, prompting her to launch a "douche-vestigation" to find out why she attracts the wrong type of man. Meanwhile, Chris takes Andy Dwyer, April Ludgate, and Ron to a health food market called Grain 'n Simple, where he gathers numerous ingredients for the perfect turkey burger, but Ron is unfazed, simply buying a pound of red meat from his favorite food market, Food and Stuff.
In her investigation, Leslie quickly learns Joe merely hits on any woman as long as she is not elderly. She takes Tom out to lunch to learn more about him. He responds to all of Leslie's questions with his usual chauvinistic answers, annoying her to the point that she admits she took him out because they matched on HoosierMate. A delighted Tom teases Leslie the rest of the day by pretending they are a couple, but she finally silences him by kissing him. Chris notices the kiss and warns Leslie that he has a strict policy against workplace dating.
At the cook-off, Chris prepares his meticulous turkey burgers for the judges: Tom, Donna, Jerry Gergich, and Kyle. They all love it, but give much higher praise to Ron's simple hamburger on a bun. Initially surprised, even Chris comes to admit the burger is superior after trying it, so he agrees to reinstate red meat on the commissary menu. Chris later tells Leslie his dating policy has affected others, explaining that he earlier warned Ben not to ask out a co-worker. Leslie realizes that is why Ben rejected her and is glad when Ben asks her to eat in front of her favorite city hall mural. Leslie deletes her profile on HoosierMate, and is relieved to learn that Tom has 26 different profiles on the site to match himself with any type of woman, although the one Leslie matched with was his "nerd" profile.
Chris: Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America.
Tom: Soon to be number three. We're coming for you San Antonio.
Leslie: Yellow-haired female... likes waffles and news.
Ann: [typing] Sexy, well-read blonde... loves the sweeter things in life.
Leslie: Much better.
Leslie: Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun...jammin' on my planner!
Ann: Favorite place?
Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers, and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
Ann: Really? It could be anywhere in the world: Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...
Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
Ann: What about an actual meadow, where wildflowers are?
Leslie: Eww, Ann, I'm scared of bees. Mural!
Ann: Okay, what do you think of dogs?
Leslie: No opinion. They're condescending.
Ann: Describe your ideal man.
Leslie: He's dark and mysterious, and he can sing. And he plays the organ.
Ann: I think you just described The Phantom of the Opera.
Kyle: I love the Umami flavor.
Jerry: Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
Tom: Zerts are what I call deserts, tray trays are what I call entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blasterz with a "z" ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies, I call noodles long ass rice, fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick, chicken parmesan is chicky chicky parm parm, chicken cacciatore is chicky catch, I call eggs pre-birds or future birds, root beer is super water, tortillas are bean blankets, and I call forks... food rakes!
Ron: Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?
April: I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
Ron: Get his number?
Ron: Good girl.
Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?
Chris: Skittle Sandwich?
Andy: ...that's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.
Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?
Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec...
Tom: [Interrupting] One.
Leslie: That’s what you do.
Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college.
Tom: [Smiling] Eight.
Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.
Leslie: It's like... door number two on Let's Make A Deal. Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like but isn't perfect? Or do you give it up for what's behind door number two?
- The vehicles parked outside "Food and Stuff" have Californian license plates, even though the store is in Indiana. This is because filming takes place in California.