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|The only guy that I care about right now is six feet tall with wild crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun. Freddy Spaghetti.|
|— Leslie Knope|
The Pawnee government has shut down due to a budget crisis. When Leslie Knope explains at a town meeting that the Pawnee Summer Kick-Off featuring children's entertainer Freddy Spaghetti must be cancelled due to the shutdown, the citizens are outraged. Leslie visits state auditors Chris Traeger and Ben Wyatt seeking a way to keep the concert, but Ben insists there is simply no money for it. When Leslie complains to city planner Mark Brendanawicz about her situation, she learns he has taken a buyout and plans to join a construction company, partially in response to Ann Perkins having broken up with him. Meanwhile, Ann is struggling with her re-developing feelings for her ex-boyfriend Andy Dwyer. Later, Ann suggests to Leslie she should hold the concert at the Sullivan Street Pit, as it is not a park and therefore not shut down. Meanwhile, April Ludgate and Andy finally reveal their feelings to each other, but April still rejects him, believing Andy still has feelings for Ann.
Meanwhile, Ron Swanson has been assigned to a task force to help fix the city's budget problem. A small-government advocate, Ron is delighted at the prospect of deep municipal cuts, but when he learns the auditors plan to fire Leslie, Ron refuses and offers his job instead. In explaining her dedication, Ron accidentally alerts them about the Freddy Spaghetti concert. Chris and Ben arrive to the concert to shut it down, but Leslie tells them everything has been donated and nothing is on the taxpayer's dime. However, Leslie learns Freddy Spaghetti has booked another gig. She asks Andy to play instead, but he is hit by a car while driving his new motorcycle home to retrieve his guitar, breaking his right arm. Just as the concert begins, Freddy Spaghetti surprisingly arrives, having been paid by Ben to perform at Leslie's concert. Ben explains he is not a bad person, but the budget still has to be slashed.
Visiting Andy in the hospital, Ann suddenly kisses him, but Andy pulls back, leading to Ann guiltily walking out. Later, April, also relieved to see Andy is fine, finally agrees to go out with him. After they kiss, Andy decides to be honest and tells her about the earlier kiss with Ann. April angrily storms out, taking back her decision to go out with him. That night, Leslie sits on a bench in the empty Lot 48 and Mark joins her. Mark gives her plans he drew up for a park at Lot 48, before kissing her goodbye on the cheek. The next day, Ron withdraws from the budget task force and appoints Leslie in his place. As Tom Haverford and his new girlfriend Lucy are clearing out his office, he notices Ron is wearing a red shirt and black pants, the "Tiger Woods" outfit he always wears the day after having sex. Tom's ex-wife Wendy Haverford then appears and kisses Ron and the two leave together, shocking Tom.
Andy: How long is it going to last?
Ron: If we're lucky this building will be empty for months.
Andy: Got a really good deal on my lease. Paying like 12 percent interest. That's like one of the highest you can get.
Leslie: No one is more upset about this than I am. Not like it's a competition or anything. 'Cause if it was, I would win, but that's neither here nor there. The point is I would win.
Resident: With the government shut down, who's going to stop Al Qaeda?
Resident #2: School is out in two weeks. What am I going to do with my kids all day? Keep them in my house? Where I live?
Leslie: I'm very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument. Is there any way I can still, kind of, yeah?
Leslie: You're wrong. Are you crazy? Can you put a price tag on a child's smile?
Ben: The government has been shut down for two days, and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me. Can you guess who?
Chris: I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.
Ben: Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.
Leslie: That is not your call.
Ben: I know, it's on your badge.
Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
Chris: I think you might find me attractive because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met.
Ann: Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris.
Mark: You know, not everyone has your enthusiasm for this work.
Leslie: You know, I guess I've been mispronouncing your name all these years, Mark Brendana-quits.
Leslie: Is this a bad time?
Tom: Lucy's here, I'm in my sexy pajamas. I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes.
Leslie: You're about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" be playing right now.
Leslie: Don't make it last very long. Ladies don't like that.
Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a shit on me. And I was indoors. So...
Leslie: Less man time, more Ann time.
Leslie: The only guy that I care about right now is six feet tall with wild crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun. Freddy Spaghetti.
Leslie: Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes.
Ann: Do you think anybody's going to show up?
Leslie: A: Yes. B: Even if they don't, we'll just put the concert on ourselves. But C: Yes, yes. They're definitely going to show up. Although D: Maybe not.
Ben: We need to cut expenditures by 32 percent.
Ron: Let's make it an even 40.
Ron: I'm an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.
Ron: Right off the bat, we sell city hall. Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a TJ Maxx.
Leslie: Can you go pick up Freddy Spaghetti in your Mercedes? We need to give him the star treatment.
Tom: Sorry we're late. I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.
Tom: We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
Lucy: You guys know Tom really well so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?
Chris: I know what'll loosen up our brains. Massage train. And, I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage; I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.
Ron: Sell the zoo animals.
Ben: OK, to whom?
Ron: Cosmetics labs, weird restaurants. I'm just spitballin' here.
Ben: Every department's losing a Leslie Knope.
Ron: No, Ben. They are not. No other department has one to begin with. Right now, she's single-handedly putting up some lousy concert for this city's kids.
Ron: I accidentally told them what you're doing in an attempt to save some government jobs. It's been a very strange day for me.
Donna: When we canceled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton. At a library.
Tom: That's literally the worst place I could imagine.
Ann: You have two broken bones in your right arm, and four in your hand.
Andy: That's the side that hurts.
Andy: Is there any chance you could fix me in the next 10 minutes?
Dr. Harris: Sure. I'll just advance medical science 30 years.
Leslie: Hello, Pawnee. I'm Rinatta Ricotta. Freddy Spaghetti couldn't make it today. He bumped his noodle. There was sauce everywhere. It was just streaming out of his face. It was really scary.
Andy: There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.
Tom: Ron Corleone. This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Ron: Hello, Lucy.
Ron: Whoa. Impressive handshake.
Lucy: Thanks. My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
Ron: Well done, Tommy.
Tom: Is that bacon on your turkey leg?
Ron: They call it a Swanson.
Tom: Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods. Oh god.
Lucy: What? Who is that?
Tom: That is my ex-wife.